Return of the Killer Brolla
Performed by: Brighthammer, Matthew, Hope, and some others
Place/Gathering : Ace in the Hole 2
Date: Sunday Oct 20, 1002
Original by/Sung to: Bud "BrightHammer" Wolfhope
Return of the Killer Brolla
Scene 1, Castle:
(Evil Duke Duke stirs a pot or otherwise looks like he is making something.)
(Duke turns to the Audience) Yes... YES... no... that was my favorite shoe... I mean, I've done it!! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
Assistant Bob: Done what, Master...?
Duke Duke: What I've been working on for two YEARS, you idiot: making my perfect monster... the BROLLA.
Bob:Ummmm Master... what's a Brolla?
Duke Duke: What's a--you truly are dumb! Oh, wait, that's right, the original Assistant Bob died during the last time I tried to take over the world. Sorry. Anyway, a Brolla is a hideous beast that KILLS HEROES and ADVENTURERS and KIDNAPS PRINCESSES!
Bob: (excited) That's great! Can I have one for my birthday?
Duke Duke: Ummmmmm.... no.
Narrator: And so the evil Duke Duke created his hideous monster for the second time--
(Duke butts in) Duke: And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky adventurers and their princess!
Narrator:I was about to tell them that! (Huff and puff) ...Anyhow. As the the Evil Duke Duke--
(Duke butts in)Duke: You know, you can call me Duke, or the Evil Duke, or the SUPER Evil Duke, but don't call me Duke Duke. My parents had no idea I would grow up to be an evil, world-dominating duke... So just one Duke, ok???
Narrator:Ok, fine, Duke Du--Doing what's best I'll get back to the story. (Flips through pages) Oh yes... Unknowing to Duke du... DOOM(waves hand AEston-style)! OUR HEROES MERT AND ALUICIOUS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE HAUNTED FOREST.
Scene 2, Haunted Forest
Mert: Yup, this is the Haunted Forest, all right!
Aluicious: Well it has to be; you've BURNED DOWN every other forest in the kingdom!
Mert: Well, a hero has to do those things from time to time. Besides, what if we had gotten horribly lost? We might have checked out the same forest TWICE!
Aluicious: But Mert, there are signs that Haunted Forest This Way all over the kingdom!
Aluicious: So beyond being a stupid forest-burning pyromaniac, do you remember what we're doing here?
Mert: Yes! We ummmmm... I ummmm.... We gotta... Ummm...
Aluicious: (motions with hands) We have to...
Mert: (still umming)
Aluicious: Res--cue... The... Prin--
Mert: RESCUE THE PRINCESS!! I knew that!... I did. Really.
Aluicious: Sure you did.
Mert: Yup, and when I get my hands on that dragon, he'll wish he was Orc che(Mert trips over a girl)--OwwwWW!!!
Princess: Oph, watch where you're going!
Mert: Oww! Who are you and why are you lying in the middle of the road?!
Princess: (she gets up) I was sunbathing, and I'm Princess Amy, so I can sunbathe wherever I want!
Mert: Why I oughta--!
Aluicious: PRINCESS AMY?!?! Aren't you supposed to be kidnapped by a Dragon?
Princess: Well, I was, but I just left.
Mert: How did you just leave?! Dragons are one of the fiercest creatures ever! You just don't 'walk' out of their lair!
Princess: Well, I just told Tony (aside to the audience), that was the Dragon's name, I said Tony I'm going to sunbathe for a while, and here I am. You know, if I don't get back soon, Tony is going to be pretty mad.
Aluicious: Your father, the king, sent my associate Mert and me here to rescue you. And now that we've done that, I think we should be heading back to the castle.
Princess: RESCUED?!?! You idiots FOUND me. Now, I demand to be rescued properly, so bring me back to the Dragon. You two may rescue me from there.
Aluicious: Your Royalness, I'm afraid we're going to have to take you now, because we have a long walk back.
Princess: WALK?! You mean I don't even get the Royal Coach?! Why, it will take us DAYS to walk through all this forest--
Mert: You mean scorched waste-land, heeheehee! (Gets smacked by Aluicious and weird look from Princess Amy) Ow! I mean, um, it's getting dark, why don't we camp here for the night?
Aluicious: That's the best idea you've ever had. Where did you steal it from?
Mert: The script. (holds up a copy)
Narrator: And so our heroes, along with Princess Amy (under much protest), made camp for the evening. But, unknown to them Duke Du--Doot Doot Be Do Be Do Be Do (snaps fingers) Where was I? Oh yes. The DUKE and his Assistant Bob were spying in on the camp with the duke's Magic Mirror.
Scene 3, Castle
Duke: Welllllll lookie what we have here, Bob.
Bob: A lifetime supply of rubber nipples?
Duke: No, no, no! We have some HEROES. And a Princess. This is the perfect time to send my Brolla into action! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Bob: Can it pick up a pizza on the way back? There's nothing to eat in the castle.
Duke: A pizza!?... ...good idea. Now, my BROLLA, get us that Princess! AND DON'T FORGET A PIZZA!
Scene 4 Haunted Forest
Narrator: The Brolla went out into the night, stalking and searching, searching and stalking. Looking for the camp site, the Brolla found itself down the road from a pizza place. Slowly it crept up to the sleeping form of the Princess and ... GRABBED HER!!!
Princess: HELP HELP! Help, Mert! Aluicious!! SAVE MEEEEEE!!!
Mert & Aluicious:Shaddup, we're sleepin' here!
Narrator: And so the Brolla brought Princess Amy and a pizza to the castle, but not before leaving the Evil Duke Du...Durable... Calling Card... The next morning, our heroes woke up and realized...
Mert: That someone ate my leftover meatloaf.
Narrator: Not that...
Aluicious: That I am damn handsome.
Narrator: NO! That the princess was missing!
Mert: Probably ate my meatloaf. Say, what's this? 'For an Evil Time (complete with Princess Kidnappings) call the Evil Duke of Doom. 555-DOOM (waves hands AEston-style)
Aluicious: Well, Mert, you're going to have to rescue the princess for real this time.
Mert: (strikes a heroic pose) Yes, Alucious. WE'RE GOING TO SAVE THE PRINCESS!
Aluicious: What's the problem?
Director: We don't have enough money to finish this show.
Mert: Whaddya mean, not enough money? Can't we cut corners?
Director: Cut corners? We barely had enough money int he budget to cover your crappy swords and costumes, not to mention we spent all the special effects budget ON the Brolla, and its just some guy in a mask! We've got to pack it all up and get outta here.
Aluicious: ...hmm, I've got an idea we could use. 'Come on, it's the eighties'. Let's start using product placement. You know, instead of using generic stuff, we start using brand name products in a popular market.
Mert: It's worth a shot.
Director: Let's do it!!! ...'eighties'??? (shakes head) Well, let's get the scene back and running. Mert, get outta there. Old Man, you're in. Old Man & in the Haunted Forest...ACTION!!!
Scene 5, Haunted Forest Again
(a table comes out. Aluicious looks like a Bar Tender as the Old Man walks up.)
Old Man: Gee, I'm thirsty.
Aluicious: You LOOK thirsty, and when I'M thirsty, I reach for an ice-cold Pepsi-cola.
Old Man: WOW, a Pepsi-Cola!
Aluicious: It's the Choice of a new generation, so be young, have fun, and Drink Pepsi.
Old Man: I'm a bit hungry, too.
Aluicious: When I'm hungry, I go out and pick up a Nestle's Crunch Bar. It SCRUNCHES when it CRUNCHES.
Old Man: Groovy man, groovy. But I'm still parched.
Aluicious: Parched, you say? You need a beer... but since this is a dry site, how about a refreshing Dr. Pepper?
Old Man: It's just what the doctor ordered.
Aluicious: Or how about a Mountain Dew?
Old Man: I would do that Dew!
Mert: Umm, Aluicious, can we talk? (both men clink bottles as Mert walks in)
Aluicious: Hey, Mert, how about a Crest?
(Mert pushes Alucious away as the Old Man grabs toothpaste)
Old Man: Crest, with TARTAR CONTROL. (big smile)
Mert: Al, aren't we supposed to be doing something?
Aluicious: Yeah, selling out.
Mert: Besides that.
Aluicious: Well, we have to take down camp, have pizza for lunch, try on some new clothes, get you better armor, go to--
Mert: Aren't you supposed to help me save someone?
Aluicious: Oh, RIGHT, the princess! She's being held by Duke Duke, in the Coca-Cola Castle.
Old Man: Heeheehee! Go to that castle you shall, but first a sword you must find! Blue with power, it shall be?
Mert: Who's this guy?
Aluicious: I don't really know, but if he doesn't stop talking like that, we're going to be sued by Lucas.
Aluicious: Nah, the other one.
Old Man: (cough cough) Sorry, I was trying to tell you that you need the sword of power to defeat Duke Duke's Killer Coca-Cola Brolla.
Mert: Sword of Power?! Where is it?
Old Man: You have to cross the GAP Mountain of Power, get past the Gator Aide Swamps, go beyond the Adidas deserts of Achoria, and finally in the Cave of Power lies the Blue Liquid and the Sword it Powers!
Aluicious: I hate to break it to you, Old Man, but this adventure only lasts 15 minutes and its half over.
Old Man: Oh. Ok, I lied, I have it here. The Sword and Drink of POWER!
Mert: (grabs the sword and holds the drink in a heroic pose) SWEET!
Aluicious: What do I get? I've been pimpin' out everything else!
Old Man: You're a mage, right? Then use your magic. Besides, everyone knows spell-casters are the brains. It's his job to hit things.
Aluicious: Oh, yeah, that's right.
Narrator: And so our heroes acquired the Pepsi Blue Sword of Power (Mert chugs his drink) and they called 555-DOOM (waves hands AEston style) and left directly for the Coca-Cola castle... after getting a pizza for lunch from the Dominos down the road.
Mert: (acquires another Pepsi Blue) Yeah, this is good stuff!
Scene 5, Back at the Castle
Duke: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Princess, I have sent word to your father that if I don't receive the sum of one million gold pieces, that I will feed you to my Brolla!
Duke: Err, my Coca... Cola... Brolla.
Princess: Excuse me, but do you know how many times I've been kidnapped? So many times that my father found out its cheaper to hire bumbling heroes than pay any ransom demands.
Duke: We'll see about that.
Bob: Master! There are two heroes in the castle!
Duke: They must be int he Zen room!
Bob: What'll we do?! They're gonna catch us with the princess and all these late Blockbuster rentals!
Duke: Bob, this is the moment we've been waiting ten minutes for! The reason why I created my Coca-Cola Brolla! Now, Brolla, when those heroes get here I want you to Bash'em!
Bob: Shouldn't he kill them?
Duke: ... ...that too.
Narrator: When our heroes crashed the scene--
(Both guys stroll in)
Mert: Hi, guys!
Narrator: I said CRASHED. As in CRASHING... (sighs) Anyway, the Coca-Cola Brolla leaps into action! Both heroes dive out of the way. Bob and Duke Du--dutifully watch the ensuing blows between the Brolla and Mert. Little did they know that Aluicious was at that very moment freeing the Princess.
Princess: (at Narrator) They know now, thanks!! (to Aluicious) I didn't think you were coming.
Aluicious: This is our job, ma'am. Besides, we brought pizza!
Narrator: The Brolla was winning the fight! Just when Mert thought it was the end and that he might lose, he heard a strange voice.
Old Man: Use the Force... err, Drink the Blue, Mert! Drink the Blue!
Mert: It's Cola and Berry Fusion Time! (chugs drink)
Brolla: Grr! Argh!
Narrator: As Mert drank from the depths of Blue, he felt himself and the sword gain power! Mert stood back up and with one mighty swipe cleaved the Brolla in two! (long pause) Well, he'd looked cleaved in two. Maybe all bloody. If we had any budget left. But anyway, Mert the Fighter was triumphant against the Brolla, and pointed the Sword at Duke. HA! Got it right this time!
Duke: You've beaten me, Mert... but why not let me use the Evil Villain Gets Away to make Another Sequel clause.
Mert: Ummmmmmm ok?
Aluicious: But only if we get the rights and all the extra money from product placement.
Duke: Done. (shakes hands) I think this calls for Get-Away Evil Laughter. Come, Bob! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Duke & Bob Exit)
Narrator: And so, the day was saved, by--
Aluicious: Wait a minute! The Old Man said I get to use my magic! (puts an Arm around the Princess) So baby, want to be my lady?
Princess: I'm sorry, but I'm a lesbian.
Mert: Should've called Mage, Al.
Narrator: Can I finish now?... And the day was saved, by... (Mert, Aluicious, and Princess all heroically pose, looking proud) PRODUCT PLACEMENT! (Narrator holds out a Pepsi and chugs it. Mert and Aluicious fall over)
Created by Janna Oakfellow-Pushee at 04-24-10 00:26 AM
Last Modified by Janna Oakfellow-Pushee at 04-24-10 00:26 AM