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Letter Lessons from Timmins

~Written on a tattered parchment Covered in blood~


The situation on the isle has become much worst my scouts are disappearing. I fear the drow attack will come soon and swift. It is my hope with the help of all of you we shall prevail. Heros of the realms be prepared for there is little time left to fortify and face the plight at hand. The pirate's have been pretty much non existant which worries me as well being as they didn't strike me as a folk who gave up easily. Once again we thank you all for your efforts. Hopefully together we can make it through this with very little loss. Any questions plz contact me at my keep before friday eve....May the light guide us all

Sir Merrick of the Silverlight
Knight Commander of the order of the light
Magistrate of the Dark Isle
Dear Mr. Merrick,

Perhaps you should not have decided to go to or reside in a place called the DARK Isle. I'm fairly certain this island didn't always exist, in fact I believe it ominously APPEARED at one point. The fact that it is now inhabited by you and others who wish to fortify the position seems to be an act of tomfoolery, or worse, a trap to lure more noble (or gold-seeking) souls to come to your aid (and if they're intelligent, at a price).

The fact that there are Drow there, on an island, may have been why it was called the Dark Isle in the first place. That seems to me like a red flag. Considering you know the name of this place and aren't simply on another Isle that you have decided is particularly dark, I will assume you had a capable cartographer or navigator with you who could interpret a standard map.

Considering, in the case of being so informed, that you have traveled to and stayed on this island, I have no sympathy for your cause- and encourage others to take your cries for help with a grain of salt. For if you did not travel there, and are simply a denizen who has attempted to lure a source of long pork to your tribe with a letter from a fallen explorer (after all, who in their right mind sends a letter covered in blood? You could have at least had the common decency to transcribe, unless you are dark in the head... which is reasonable in the case that you and your illiterate courier are also cannibalistic tribesmen).

Don't even get me started on the pirates. Well you just did, actually, since I mentioned them. It seems like THEY weren't daft, and got the hell out of dodge when they heard the drums, whistling poison darts and whipping wooden spears. In fact, I'm sure that they're pirating somewhere a little more civilized, having a good civilized conversation over tea about the idiot who tried to escape their piracy by fleeing to the Dark Isle.

I swear, the idiocy of the mainland edges towards nauseating the longer I stand on solid ground... A pity such a contagion cannot be cured, even with the miracles of modern medicine.

Doctor Aegis Krumm, Corsican Venture Company
Dear Doctor Aegis Krumm,

The island has been hear for over 500 years, it is not my fault or my peoples fault that you do not have the magics or forsight to have seen our Island. We our a peaceful people who have requested aid and are a little cunfused on why you would belittle our cause. Wait a minute corsican..... Humm aren't you a pirate yourself. I guess we should expect this reponse from the likes of you.

Sir Merrick of the Silverlight
Dear Mr. Merrick,

I am a legitimate businessman and medical practitioner- and it is not my fault that your primitive belief system, which likely involves human sacrifice and subsequent culinary preparations, lacks the scientific method and foresight to have predicted being belittled in this fashion.

You ADMIT to being a denizen of this Dark Isle. You understand the implications of this, do you not? Is it the five-hundredth year exactly? Is this some kind of heathen celebration that requires an influx of foolish victims to stoke the fires and fill the table with a barbaric feast?

Heed not the words of this ill-educated cannibal shaman disguised as a long-lost follower of Silverlight! Do not present yourselves for the judgement of satisfying, salty or delicious! Beware the Dark Isle and its Dark Darkness of the Dark!


Also, might I add that I am still not a pirate. DOC-TOR.

Doctor Aegis Krumm, Corsican Venture Company
or in the simple phonetics of Cannibalese:
Dok-torr Ay-guss Krrumm, Kor-sick-an Venn-chur Kum-pah-nee.

I am sorry, but Aegis has a logical point. Perhaps an offering of cookies would convince us to be a part of your ritual sacri....I mean, saving. Right....

~Lord Sir Champion Nos of Blackwood
Lord of Heminshire
Knight of Blackwood
Champion of Blackwood
Wow... I hope you two don't speak for the rest of the realm, Make fun of us all you like. The drow must be stopped now...I don't appreciate being made fun when asking for aid... All there any real heroes who answer are call....

Sir Merrick
Good Doctor Aegis,

As always, your logic and thinking in the scientific path has shown me truths I do not believe I would have seen otherwise.

Personally, I wish not to be part of any sacrifices. I have given enough of myself and my soul, thank you.
This is most appreciated.

I hope to sit with you and have a conversation regarding science, and all of its wonders soon.

~Dame Sir Freesia Den'ier of Folkestone~
Knight of Creathorne
(Insert list here)
Umm . . . Miss Dame Sir Freesia?

You probably shouldn't listen to anything Agis says. He's kind of a moron. The Captain King Admiral said so. And he doesn't lie to me unless he's leading me into deathtraps.

Dodge Sahaal, White Raven's Cabin Boy
I think I read someone who's going to the Dark Isle! Is this going to be a Corsican Venture, or not? - Iris
No Maam.
For a couple reasons.

A... its CALLED THE DARK ISLE... And is, according to the good doctor despite his mental handicaps, inhabited by human sacrificing cannibals.

Plus everyone knows the 500 year anniversary is the one where they REALLY kick up the sacrificing a notch.

Plus this fellow seems to have been attempting to play on your sympathies by penning his letter then, likely, bleeding a baby or something over it in an attempt to garner pity... But still seems able to reply on fresh clean parchment to other people inquiries as to the true nature of his cult or whathaveyou.
Now I havent read anything about this, and truly if the guys in trouble I hope he gets an assist... But if not, please leave any and all baubles, trinkets and whatnots on the coast for easy pickup.

Why the drow again? Honestly my primary reason for not going is I refuse to take part in the hate crimes you so called "heroes" seem to love. Just cause the guys from underground he's evil? Even that Slaader guy, back in the day, his skin turned black and seemed pretty happy about it, laughing and all that... But WHUMP the heroes of the realms start pummeling the crap out of him..
Said it once, I'll say it again..

Y'all're racist.

-Cap'n Spyder
Knave of Clubs by the Dealers Dice
Time Traveling Pirate King of Freeport

I know the people of Corsica... not to say I have had dealings per se... anyway...
And, I know Spyder, and the rest. I have had conversations with Aegis, and he is the most "educated" among them. Perhaps you should go back to your cabin boy duties, and leave the talking to the adults.

And... there is no "miss" in my name. Nor is there Lady anywhere in there.
People need to start realizing that.

Dame Sir Freesia Den'ier of Folkestone
To Whom It May Concern:

While I personally would not recommend this, perhaps it is time we sink the Dark Isle.
This would allow us to eradicate the Drow and the Dark all at once.
I personally don't know anyone on the island, but would be willing to offer my 1 ship and half dead crew man to remove survivors...non-drow from the island after we sink it.

Hope all can swim.

I'm not sure your problem is what you think it is. Yes, it's bleak.
Yes, from there it's probably looking helpless. So many things in the
mortal world do seem that way. In order to best be of assistance, in
case on the off-chance there are any Fae trapped on the island, I have
included a care package with this missive which should help you out in
the future. It includes three things:
  • A reasonable supply of non-blood tattered parchment. When i receive
    a message covered in blood I think that it generally does not appeal
    to my sense of curiosity, but towards my sense of keeping a clean
    house. Some dirt in transit is acceptable mind you, but messages
    should arrive places intact. If this is a carrier problem, as in your
    messengers themselves are somehow covered in blood, I know of several
    great non-bleeding couriers, and there are many craftsmen who make
    scroll cases.
  • Bells for your scouts. If you continue to lose them, this will help
    you find them.
  • One original copy of "Timmins' guide to proper help letter writing,
    by Timmins". See below

    -Lt. Timmins

    === Timmins' guide to proper help letter writing ===

    Step one. Relax. Frantic messages for help only confuse or make it
    seem like you situation is overly dire. You need to strike that gentle
    balance between "It's really bad", and "we can hold out until you get
    there". You see, so many of the help bringing types need to travel
    some distance, and for many, teleporting is just not an option. If you
    send a message like "100,000 orcs are crashing through the gates now.
    30 of us are holding them off. It's a week away."

    Step two. Appeal to the sense of good deeds that exists in every
    adventurer. Not every hero is a good guy. In fact, many are not people
    you'd want to have over for dinner. They'd kill the host or knock your
    servers unconscious just for giggles. These are people with deep
    issues with their parents who found a sword at age 14 and have decided
    to become powerful mages or gladiators. And when they aren't killing
    each other, they're going to take their lifetime of misunderstanding
    out on your problem. YES YOUR PROBLEM.

    Step three. If you can't appeal to the goodness of people, mention
    (even fictitiously) some kind of treasure you've found. Think of the
    adventurers as your long lost friends, or your mother. "Yes mom,
    attacked by drow again. Looks bad, but we're hanging in. Oh, by the
    way, found an impossibly powerful artifact washed up on the beach. Su

    Step four. If you have no treasure, mention cash. In the heart of
    every pro-bono adventurer lies a mercenary.

    Step five: Never mention Plz. He was a ass of a goblin and I killed
    him like 8 years ago.

    Step six: Don't write the following somewhat taunting phrase "It's not
    my fault that you ". It may not be your fault
    that they haven't found your island. But having not found said island
    also is a clear indicator of how much it will be missed.

    Step seven: Include clear travel directions. One incorrect left
    instead of right means the death of everyone you've ever known and
    loved. No pressure.

    Step eight: Consider the name of your place. If you are unfortunately
    named "The Plains of Anklesnap", you may wish to send one letter
    announcing to all the cartographers that the place has changed names
    to "Hypoallergenic Kittensfield', and now you're in need of help.
    Because who is really that heartless?

    Step nine: In your letters, do not mention how you don't think the
    attrition will be all that bad. Heroes work on a mixture of stupidity,
    self-delusion, and bravado. Pointing out how certain "certain doom"
    might chip away at one of the three pillars of heroism.

    Step ten: Don't pass character judgments in your help message. Saying
    that "all your vegetarians were killed, and good riddance to them" is
    going to forgo a ton of help from Tuber Defense League. Pirates,
    necromancers, priests, archers; try to hold back your inner feelings
    until the victory party. Also,TDL puts the Thud in Spud.

    Step eleven: Haste is no substitute for good penmanship.

    Step twelve: Whoever taught you the cantrip to make page text blink?
    Kill them. No. Stop reading this message, find a knife, and solve this
    arcane equation: Man + Knife - Knife + Knife - Knife + Knife

    Step thirteen: Realize that you're probably chalked up under
    acceptable losses in some greater war. Use your manners.

    Step fourteen: Consider moving. Running from danger (or tactically
    withdrawing) isn't shameful. Oftentimes a three month trek is less
    trouble than cleaning up after adventurers who have just ransacked in
    town en route to saving it.

    Step fifteen: It is incumbent upon you to not let social ills fester
    too long before asking for help. If Bill the necromancer in town with
    the great casserole only kills one child a year, man up and stop him
    at year zero, before he completes his master work.

    Step sixteen: Consider sending your problem elsewhere. Telling the
    demon that the collectible plate he is looking for went on an
    adventurer to a well populated nation is a minor lie that you cannot
    be faulted for.

    And finally, step seventeen: When asking for help, please explain why
    your attempts at putting off the problem with non-heroic solutions
    have failed. Have an evil soup ladle in your house? Throw it out. Cave
    full of nasty creatures causing you problems? Collapse the cave.

    Still having problems after all of that? Send a letter and find a
    hero! They'd love to help! Unless Queen of Hearts is that weekend.
    Then, try to hold out until the weekend afterward.

    Happy helplessing!


    Timmins, I believe this is the greatest help this man will ever receive....Ever. ~Nos


    I want a copy of that guide very informative.
    September 9th, 1010 M.R., public lists
  • Created by Janna Oakfellow-Pushee at 02-05-14 03:27 PM
    Last Modified by Janna Oakfellow-Pushee at 02-05-14 03:27 PM