February 22nd, 1003 M.R.February 22nd, 1003.If there were only some people who knew. How many people actually know? I would give my wings if it would bring the Munuko back. But those ones are not coming back. Zeek gave the order. He could have done otherwise. But he saw no other way, I guess... and so in saving my life, Zeek has condenmed me to die. I know the Red Mage seeks my life, as do others. Ones who I call friends, I am hesitant to do so now, for in their eyes... there is something not quite right about their eyes. Even if I could go back to what I was; a naieve, happy, bouncy InsectaFae, where would I go? People still want their revenge. Promises are never kept, anyway. People say they will do something and then find the loophole to get out of it, to accomplish their own goals instead. They only see the wrong I have caused them. If I had to do it over again, maybe I would change things. I would not have called on the Kal kre Bain, because I know they are evil now, even it meant that Zula would have been raised... but then, if he was, he would have been Tabatha's thrall. A thrall with the Orb of Power under his belt. He would have handed it over without a second thought, and then Tabatha would have been unstoppable. If I could do it again, I would not call on the Kal kre Bain. I would have stopped Bebbhin and Liselle some other way. Some other way... Gryffin is indifferent to me. Zula is all buisness. Zeek is a rock. People have sworn to protect me, but how long before words of others undo all the friendships I thought I had made? All it takes it the words of the Red Mage, or that of... the beautiful Lady. The one who gave me a token that I wear at all times. She said it was to symbolize friendship. And yet I am afraid. She is close to the Red Mage and to the old Ka; and my mistake took away Munuko-Ka. I did what I could, unlearned my magics, swore an Oath not to enter a certain land... what more can I do? Why can I not be forgiven? Is this the ugly underside of the Realms? Is everyone a zealot of their own goals and beliefs? Must I die for my mistake? Have not greater ones been done throughout history, and yet the people who committed the mistake got off with a slap on the face? It seems unbelivebly trying that I am held to a different standard than others. It hurts to know that the only way to stay alive in the Realms is to have a good group of popular people take you in, show you the ropes. One mistake, and even they leave you in the dust, to the scum of the earth you fall and are treated as such. I know I will die as I am someday soon. I am only an InsectaFae, but underneath it all I know I am more than that now. So much has happened. I wish that I could cry all of this away. I wish that I could fall upon a Wayland Blade and never be reborn, but that is the coward's way out. King Oberon would not have such attitudes. He would face his attackers head on, and challenge them. I do not have the strength nor courage to face my attackers now. Is it wrong to rely on the help of Oaths? To hide behind the men that made promises to me? A few grumbled so loud that I heard it from heaven: 'Bouquet is just hiding behind Folkestone and Chimeron. We just have to drum up some better PR than what she has'. I know not what 'PR' is, or how I have acquired it. But how dejected was I to hear myself described as such. It is wrong to hide? I cannot hide from the gods, but it is appropriate to try and hide myself from my fellows? Are they even my fellows? Who are my allies that will stay by me, and who are the ones who will give me up to death in my Dreams? Who is my family, and who will leave me in the cold of the Void? Who is my love, and who will send my soul to Oblivion, never to return? Will I ever know what love really is? Will I get a chance to live out my last four years, to be cycled again into some thing, someone else? Why do they clamour for my death under curtains and stone? What sacrifice will right the wrong I have done the Kal? And why have not the Kal approached me on this? Why must I be intimidated by physical beings who are stronger, faster, and self- appointed most of the time? I saw Munuko-Ma, I could not send her to her death. She died within Chaos Nature, and how I grieved. I grieved for days while working on experiments to fix the wrong I had done. I wish to answer to the Kal, not the Old and the New Kathrani. I want to answer to them, not to the intimidations of Red Mage and of his friends. His friends who are my friends -- they are more his friends, for he has sacrificed much and spent his life alongside them. If it had been me in that ball... "It is not easy to live among these people, and being a hero is a thankless job." - The Champion of Fae, Lucas Harkon told me that before he went missing. But I do not wish to be a hero, but I do want to live in peace. I wake almost every night in sweat or cold shakes, a dream of a familar face slaying me with a Blade of Words, cutting me into little pieces and rendering my Soul asunder to Oblivion. I do not want it to happen. But oh, how I tire of hiding! How I long for grass and trees and a warm covering, as when I slept in Fae many moons ago... so many. People hate Fae, you know. I hate UnDead. I guess it is a fair trade, or not... it does not make any sense. Everyone will sleep about as sound as they can tonight, while I must stay awake and figure out what to do next. I am so worried and disturbed about dying... in their eyes, they were satisfied. They were satisfied, and they did not bring me back. O my soul, let me go if that happens. For I could not be brought back to life knowing that I was all alone. Being alone and rejected is worse than death, for it is a life of forced solitude and forgetfulness. Forget me not, Fae. Kill me not, Realms. I shall make up for what I have done. I don't know how, but I will make up for the mistakes I have done, I have created within you. I will protect you, homelands, I swear it. I'll defend it, even unto a final death. ...though I really hope it doesn't come to that. - Bouquet D'Amandes, Unseelie Peon |
Created by Janna Oakfellow-Pushee at 01-27-15 02:35 PM
Last Modified by Janna Oakfellow-Pushee at 01-27-15 02:35 PM